Dance in the Rain

November 2012

Pain! Lots and lots of pain! That was my word of the day for several weeks/months. The anterior capsulolabral reconstruction w/ allograft shoulder stabilization surgery did not go anything like my previous shoulder surgery recoveries. At my post-op appointment I learned I had diffuse grade 2 and grade 3 osteoarthritis on my glenoid (socket) and humeral head (ball). The arthritis occurred in 8 months. During my surgery in March of 2012 I had one spot of moderate chondromalacia which is softening of the cartilage. Now I had diffuse arthritis throughout the shoulder. Even knowing there was arthritis in my shoulder something just didn't seem right. I couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly; I just know I've never hurt that bad in my life.  I kept telling my family over and over again to get the graft out of my shoulder because I thought it was maybe that causing the pain (I know now it was NEVER the graft). I had pain that was radiating over the right side of my neck along with this constant sharp/stabbing pain over the front of the shoulder area that just wouldn't go away. I took the pain medication and muscle relaxants as prescribed and it didn't touch this sharp pain. I slept a ton in the day and very little at night. I iced a ton and I cried a ton. The pain just wouldn't subside. 

Incision 3 days post-op

During this time I also had my calculus class to attend too. After every surgery I only give myself 2 weeks off. This time though I only let myself miss a little over a week. Thanksgiving break was about to happen and I knew I just needed get through a couple days and then I could rest. My class was in the morning. The car ride was brutal. I was so pale and looked awful. I made it to class and sat in my seat which was in the front row in the corner. My teacher walked in and spotted me and kept his eye on me the whole time. By the time break came I couldn't even hold myself up. I rested my head on my left hand and existed. When class started back up I slouched in my seat and just stared at the white board trying to understand whatever was being taught. My neighbor offered to take the notes for me. I took him up on that offer. I didn't feel like writing left handed anymore (I'm right handed). The following week after Thanksgiving we had an exam. During Thanksgiving break I tried to study but I wasn't retaining any information because I couldn't concentrate. When I took the test I did absolutely awful on it. Before the test I was earning an A and after that exam I dropped to a low B. I was freaking out because there were two more exams and then the final exam to still get through. I decided to just withdraw from the class because I didn't want to bring down my GPA and the demands were just more than my body could tolerate at that time.

Thanksgiving dinner with my grandpa, sister, nieces, dad and mom (she's taking the picture)
I'm the one in the pink doing the famous fake smile :)

November 26, 2012 with my niece Emily.

December was less stressful than November because I didn't have to worry about class but it was still a really rough month. I was not used to feeling the way I did a month out from surgery. My energy level was really, really low but since it was Christmas time I wanted to try to enjoy the Christmas festivities too. If I knew I was going out and about at some point in the day for a couple hours I made sure to rest and not do a lot beforehand to conserve my energy. To this day I do this because sometimes things aren't ideal and you just have do the best you can with the body you have to deal with. In mid December we went to my cousin's house for the King family Christmas party. It does the mind and body a lot of good to just get a change of scenery sometimes. It's also a good distraction. We knew before we even left our house to go to the party that there was no way that I was going to last the entire evening; however, I knew there would be a comfortable couch to sit on so really there was no reason why I couldn't go. Personally, I would rather go for a couple hours and try to have a little fun instead of not going at all. 

Incision almost 1 month post-op

I hung out with this little cutie who is my cousin at the Christmas party.
If you ever need a smile just go hang out with a baby. 

The following week my sister was going to take my nieces to the Brookfield Zoo so I decided to go with. There are wheelchair rentals and lots of benches in between to sit down. We went shortly before it started to get dark because the zoo decorates with Christmas lights. It was a very enjoyable time and it wasn't freezing. I'm positive we will be going there again this year. It has kind of turned into a Christmas time tradition for us.

My nieces and I sitting on the Christmas sleigh

I felt like a big puffy marshmallow between my hoody, winter coat, and brace.
I stayed warm though!

The following week was Christmas and in the blink of an eye 2012 was over. It was a roller coaster of a year. There were a lot of highs with that feeling of hope that I had my last surgery for hopefully a long time back in March and I could start planning for future. Then there was the major low of waking up with my shoulder unstable again and being back in surgery out of state in Colorado 8 months later. Soon enough physical therapy would begin and the crazy "impossible" medical journey would continue into 2013. There would be a surgery, four medical trips to Colorado, one medical trip to Kentucky, and one medical trip to Ohio. I guess the one plus of having really, really, rare complex shoulder injuries is you get to travel. Over the years I have certainly made my way across the United States seeing some of the top shoulder specialists in the country that I've been referred to.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/496944140105510320/ 

Scars DON'T Define Who You Are

Scars; they are the tattoos that you didn't willingly ask for. They are crazy expensive (if from surgery) and aren't very attractive. Scars tell stories of what you have been through and where you have been. You are stuck with them the rest of your life. Yes, there is scar revision surgery to make the scars less noticeable, but at the end of the day, they are still there. Some scars are easy to get used to while others take more time to accept.

Every single day when I put my socks on, the scar on my ankle is the daily reminder of where this whole medical journey started. It makes me wonder what my life would look like now if I hadn't jumped up for that stupid football back in 2005. Would I have played soccer in college? Would I have continued the path of wanting to be a nurse? Would I be living on my own? There are so many, "What if questions" from the past, so I try not to waste my time thinking about what could have been because it is never going to happen.

By far, the scars on my shoulders and shoulder blades have been the hard ones to accept. If it was just one scar here, and one scar there, I wouldn't care as much; it would be like with my ankle. However, no matter which way my body is turned, a scar is visible on  my shoulders no matter what. Whether it be a small arthroscopic scar or a bigger one from an open incision. They are there.

When I was going through pictures, I came across a picture of my back from homecoming in 2005. I looked at that picture and the first thing I thought was, "Oh, look at that. There was once a time when my back looked "clean" and pretty." Probably the worst thing I did was compare it to a picture of my back now. It is a slap in the face. It is the reality of everything that has happened right in front of my eyes. Since the scars are on my back, oftentimes I don't think of them as being there because I can't see them.

Homecoming September 17, 2005

Life changed 4 days later.



Scar free and not a worry in the world.


It would be nuts for me to say, "No, my scars don't bother me and I am completely comfortable in my skin" because it's not true. However, most people are not 100% comfortable in their own skin. If you put a person in front of the mirror, they will be picking themselves apart. I have learned to accept my scars because it is what it is, but they do bother me at times. I notice they bother me the most when I put a swimsuit on, or, when I'm trying on shirts at the store and won't buy the shirt because I think the shirt "emphasizes" them. I am not trying to draw attention to my scars but I'm not trying to hide them either. It may be a hard concept to understand if you do not have this issue. It's funny how my own perception of my scars can change daily depending on where I am going and who I am going to be around. I usually wear my scars just fine. I call them my "battle-wounds."

Here I am over 7 years later in the same dress

My "battle-wounds"

My shoulders/ shoulder blades looks a bit different compared to 2005

In August of 2012, I went and visited a burn camp in Wisconsin for a couple days. It is a camp for children and teenagers who sufferred severe burns and have physical scarring; this camp is a place for them to be around other individuals their age who have gone through similar situations and have fun!! I wanted to be a counselor so bad at this camp and had to decline due to medical circumstances. The staff was kind enough to let me come up for a couple of days. Even though I couldn't be a counselor, I still wanted to participate in some way; I had to resort to plan B. I donated an original tiger drawing and a print of another tiger that I drew. They used them for fundraising. It just goes to show you, you might not be able to do what you want to do, but with a little creative thinking you can still be involved in some way.

Original tiger I donated

Print of tiger I donated

The moment that stands out to me the most at this camp was when I was eating lunch with some of the little girls who were around 9-10 years old. I wore a tank-top to the camp to put my scars to good use. I saw the little girl who was sitting across from me see the scars on my shoulders. She looked at me and bluntly asked, "Were you burned?" Honestly, this question caught be off guard because most people generally do not ask me what happened. I looked at her and said, "No I was not." She then said, "But you have scars." I told her, "Yes I do, but they are from needing surgery for an injury; not from being burned." This was a very short but honest conversation. As this little girl shared with me how she got burned and asked me more questions, it made me realize how much this little girl has been through. I think I saw a light bulb go off in her mind when she put together that scars come in many forms and that you can wear your scars proudly and go about your day. A lot of times the kids and teenagers are self-conscious of their scarring and might not participate in certain activities because of this. I strongly believe that scars DO NOT define who you are and should NOT get in the way of the things you want to do.