2015 A Special Kind of Strength

You know when you have certain medical tests done, or sometimes before being wheeled back to the operating room for surgery, patients sometimes choose to have a shot of medication to help them relax and block out their memory? It's very strange, isn't it? To think you were awake, followed orders, and had conversations with people, yet you have no recollection of it ever happening; it's a hard concept to grasp that something like that can actually happen. It's like you've lost time that you can never get back. Now imagine your life is like that for almost two months. After I had the scapular stabilization with allograft and scapular muscle reattachment surgery in January, my doctors really medicated me because the surgical pain was horrendous on my left side, neck was killing, and my right side kept subluxating, locking, and doing a bunch of other weird, painful stuff. Due to all of the medication my memories are few and far between. I don't remember staying in the hotel in Minnesota (MN) or getting home from MN. There are pictures I don't remember taking, text messages I don't remember sending, conversations I don't recall having, and I only have vague memories of writing my last blog post. My family repeatedly told me it's a gift that I don't remember those first several weeks because it wasn't pretty. When I hear this it scares me and makes me sad. It tells me how bad of shape I really was in. Out of 24 surgeries, this was the one and only time I ever had this happen to me.

Feb. 7, 2015
Let's not kid ourselves- not a flattering picture
Heat on my right so my shoulder unlocks, ice on
the surgical left side, and neck brace to try to get some traction
I look at it and I don't recognize this person. It
may be because I zoomed in and my eyes have
no spark.

April 11, 2015
With my niece Lizzy, and dog Daisy. You'd be amazed
how much good getting fresh air does for you. Take
advantage of it even if it's for 10-15 minutes. 

Fortunately the end of March/beginning of April was when I started feeling more like myself in my head and the pain was finally coming to a point of almost being somewhat "tolerable". I thought the day would never come. I'm so happy it did because I felt like I had no fight and couldn't keep living like this. The mountains seemed to be getting taller instead of smaller. I didn't know how to cope with all of the issues at hand, and all the other issues that still needed to be fixed. To those that are feeling like they are in a similar position, it WILL get better. I'm always telling myself: baby steps. I try not to look too far out because I will get more stressed out, and more overwhelmed than I already am. I try to focus on the task at hand. What might be a small accomplishment to someone else could be a huge accomplishment for you so try to be happy with those victories made. Not everybody is going to understand how hard things can be, or understand the big celebration in the "small" victories. It's okay if they don't. All that matters is that you took a step in the right direction. Examples of some of my "small" victories recently: getting showered and not feeling like I'm going to die afterwards, maneuvering around easier, getting dressed with little help, eating in a restaurant, and staying awake in the day. I was so happy the day I could finally walk from my bed to the bathroom standing up straight instead of looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Like I said, it doesn't seem like an accomplishment worth getting all gung ho over, but those are all big victories in my world. I'm sure there are many people out there who get what I'm saying. It takes a special kind of strength to get through challenging times, that will never be developed in a weight room.

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One of my fellow shoulder buddy friends mailed me this bracelet a few weeks ago.
I wear it 24/7 because it's my daily reminder. It says 'believe' on the outside
 and on the inside it says, "be strong, be fierce, be amazing, be you"

Needless to say, writing hasn't been at the top of my list. Sometimes I wish people could understand through words just how much time, help, effort, and creative thinking goes into getting the most simple tasks done each and every day. Having traveled the medical journey that I have, it has really opened my eyes to how hard and tedious it is when you have some impairment. It is something I never really thought of before my life changed. People need to realize not all disabilities are visible! You'd be amazed how unaccessible the world is for people that have physical limitations. Accomplishing tasks within your own home is already a challenge but when you step outside your front door, there are a whole new set of hurdles to try to overcome. The list is long but my top two hurdles are 1.) not all doors are handicap accessible. When you can't push or pull that's a huge problem. To be completely honest, I have doctors offices that do not have a button to open the door. How is that even possible? 2.) Pretty much all stores like to hang or put things up "high." When all of your arm motion only comes from your elbows that doesn't leave you with much to work with. Since I can not reach, push, or pull at all I always need to have somebody with me to assist and act as my arms. All I can say is it is a learning process trying to figure out how to get things done and feel like you still have some independence.

As far as that tall mountain goes, it's still pretty darn high. At my recent appointment April 27th in Minnesota Dr. E told me we have a very long ways to go before things will get better. To catch you up to speed, I saw Dr. E at the end of March for my 8 week post-op visit. At that time he extended my time in the brace for my left scapula at least another month. Besides not feeling ready to ditch the brace, Dr. E said with the EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) he wants at least 3 months full-time immobilization to make sure my tissue has time to heal. After arriving home the symptoms in my neck and upper thoracic spine (upper back) were getting much worse. I waited two weeks to see if those symptoms would calm down but they didn't. I emailed Dr. E to see if he could order a cervicothoracic brace so I could see if that would help. Unfortunately the brace only helped for 90 minutes day one and I haven't been able to wear it since. It seems something is getting compressed when I am in that position therefore, aggravating my symptoms.

April 14, 2015

April 27th we were back in Minnesota meeting with Dr. E to evaluate my left scapula again. Dr. E said he was going to leave it up to me if I want to wear the brace or not. He took my brace off to see if I could move it at all and at this point it does not. This is no surprise and not abnormal. He told me I am allowed to start physical therapy and he would recommend I go back to my physical therapists in Colorado. The big questions is how long will I need physical therapy? How many times a week? There's no way to answer that question because there's no protocol in place because nobody has ever had this surgery before. We will be developing a protocol as we plug along. Dr. E said we need to progress very, very slow so we can see how my body will respond. It will be a mix of regular physical therapy and aquatherapy.

Dr. E and me

At my appt we also discussed my neck and right shoulder issues. This was when the blindside happened. Dr. E asked if I could go to Michigan to see a specialist for my neck that is innovative and likes complex cases. My response, "Yea, I guess. I haven't been to Michigan to see a doctor yet." Little did we know I would be in Michigan exactly one week later. So May 5th I saw three spine doctors. All three said I'm an enigma. Structurally the bones are fine and there's no pressure on my spinal cord which is good but there are several other problems oing on. 1. Possible compression of the nerves leaving the spine 2. Huge soft tissue problem (muscles, tendons, ligaments, nerves) 3. Possible brachial pleuxs problem (bundle of nerves serving the shoulder) 4. Huge scapulothoracic joint problem 5. the biomechanics between my neck, thoracic spine, right shoulder, and right scapula are somewhere far out in left field. They would recommend seeing strictly a neurosurgeon and not anymore spine orthopedics because a neurosurgeon deals more with the nerves leaving the spine. They also said to continue seeing Dr. E because he's the top mind in the world with all of the biomechanical issues I have. Before continuing to pursue the neck/R they think I need to rehabilitate my left scapula first. I completely agree because 1. I'm still in the brace the majority of the day 2. I need time to land and not be traveling every couple weeks 3. physical therapy will be able to take video of my weird neck/right symptoms and email them to Dr. E.

A much needed "not allowed to think medical day" in Michigan at Bald
Mountain State Park. It is so important to try to get a break from the medical
nonsense and just have a nice, relaxing day. 

What's next: more travel of course! In the past 4 weeks we will have traveled to Minnesota then back home to Illinois. Then to Michigan and back home to Illinos. Now we head to Colorado where we will be for a couple months. My mom and I will be leaving for Colorado on May 20th so I can do physical therapy. We'll arrive to our destination May 23rd. Day one of physical therapy is May 25th. Hopefully once therapy gets going I'll be able to ditch the shoulder brace for good. I have been in it since January 28th. I am very much looking forward to start physical therapy.

To anyone that has arm problems, look into getting a dragon software. It is so much easier to talk out loud and have it type for you.

You can "LIKE" and FOLLOW on Facebook for CURRENT UPDATES at Meg's EDS Medical Journey

Took this picture at Piney Lake in Colorado last year. 

2015: Let the "Fun" Begin

I've been contemplating on what I should write and I've decided to write a current update because I'm having surgery next week and writing is a coping tool for me; I know I'll "feel better" once I get it off my chest.

Warning to the squeamish types: there are 2 pictures near the end that might not be your cup of tea. It's NOT blood & guts; just a scapula shifted out of position. I'll post another warning when you  get closer to it. 

As I reflect back on 2014 the first thing that comes to mind is: what a long, hard, crazy, exhausting roller-coaster year!! It was a year full of so much travel seeing physicians that I had been referred to throughout the United States. We traveled approximately 7,542 "medical" miles! These miles were divided between trips to Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Colorado, Minnesota, and of course, Illinois. Talk about a lot of flying and driving just to see a doctor!!

When 2014 started I thought it was going to be a year of moving forward and having the surgeries that were proposed in 2013 done. Instead of moving forward though, it seemed like there was some higher power constantly putting obstacles in my path so those surgeries would not happen. At the time I was so frustrated and angry at my situation. All I wanted was to have the surgeries done so I could begin the rehabilitation process to regain some of my arm function and get my life back. When you're living with a chronic medical condition 24/7 and all the various challenges and pain that goes along with it, it's really, really hard to see how things could possibly work out because you're too close to the situation. When doctor appointments don't work out, my family and I constantly tell ourselves, "That doctor wasn't the one meant to help me." When I look back now on how all the events unfolded in 2014 I know I had somebody looking out for me the whole time. It's kind of an eerie feeling because the two big surgeries that I just wanted to get done and over with would have never worked.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/362047257519360343/

Fast forward to November 2014. I had finished doing two and half months of extensive physical therapy in Colorado trying to narrow down what is wrong with my neck, upper back, both shoulder joints, and both shoulder blades. It was now time to head to the fourth state to meet with yet another doctor; this time we were off to Minnesota. I can't begin to express how scared, anxious, and nervous I was. I felt so sick the day of appointment due to the nerves.

November 17, 2014
Total game changer- Thank God for Dr. E! He has seen 6 other patients similar to me. All 6 are female, have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) or a cousin of EDS, are tall/thin, were once very athletic, and problems started at around age 16. It's a very difficult problem to treat and it's really hard for me to put into words what the issue is. In layman's terms, it's a very, very, rare, messed up/altered muscle activation pattern that Dr. E has only seen in this category of patients. The altered muscle activation pattern causes the scapula (shoulder blade) to "dance" because there is no stability. This causes both scapular and posterior (back) shoulder joint instability, decreased strength, and very limited motion. The first step of trying to treat this was to have botox injections into my trapezius and serratus anterior muscles. It was supposed to take about a week to kick in, would peak at around 3-4 weeks, and would take 3 months to be out of my system. As luck would have it, I reacted completely opposite of what the botox was supposed to accomplish. Things started feeling worse on day 3. Instead of relaxing my muscles it made my muscles ridiculously tight, decreased my motion even more, and skyrocketed my pain. I kept trying to tell myself it's only been X amount of days/weeks there's still a chance it will get better...time would tell. In regards to my neck, there's a major problem and I have "extreme hyperlaxity" in it. A neck brace was ordered and we're trying to see if it will stiffen up my neck. I don't think it's stiffening too much but it does help with some of my symptoms which I'll take. In regards to my right side it too has this weird muscle activation pattern, but it also has some weird nerve problem that is still being investigated.

When we arrived home from Minnesota, Thanksgiving was literally just a few short days later. It was the first time my mom and I had been home since August. It's kind of funny that the only picture that was taken of me on Thanksgiving was when I was messing around with our dog Daisy and not with anyone in my family.

I tried to get it so it looked like she had on a babushka :)

Apparently my nephew thinks my neck brace makes a good mask too :)

In December I was really not feeling well at all. Between the botox and the climate change my body was reacting negatively. My joints in my upper torso were more unstable than they were when I was in Colorado. When I was in Colorado I felt better and had even gained almost five pounds which was a very good thing. I've been trying to put more weight on. Within a few weeks of being home I lost the weight I gained, plus some. I emailed Dr. E to see when I was supposed to come back for a follow-up appointment. He said in January or February depending on how I was doing. I scheduled an appointment for January 7th. I had called mid December to see if I could get in sooner and the good news was there was a same day cancellation! But wait....the bad news....the appointment was at 4 o'clock and it was already 11:30. I didn't have enough time to get from Illinois to Minnesota. Did you really think I would get in sooner?..haha that would be too easy :) Too bad we don't have those tunnels like in Super Mario that transport you quickly from one location to another :) That could have been pretty convenient.

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Me, my niece, and my dad at the holiday zoo lights.
There's no way I could walk the entire zoo with all the
upper body stuff going on so we rented a wheelchair. It's
way more enjoyable to be pushed around than to be really
stubborn and hurting a ton trying to walk.
Also, scarves work really, really well to cover up the neck brace
if you're self conscious about it!

On Christmas Eve I got the most amazing tea mug from my brother and sister-in-law. I use it just about every day and every time I do, it always makes me smile.

So true haha

My favorite picture of my nephew Justin. His facial cracks me up.

January 7, 2015

We were back at Mayo in Minnesota meeting with Dr. E. I was reevaluated and the botox did in fact make me worse and he had never seen any reaction like it before. Gooooo figure! My parents and I were told I have a lot of problems and despite all the previous surgery I've had, surgery is needed. Instead of going into the surgery with the mentality of, "I'm going to fix everything" Dr. E made it very clear that he only wants to fix one problem at a time to see how I respond. During this surgery Dr. E is going to be attaching an allograft (cadaver) tendon between my scapula and my spine. We're hoping this surgery will help me just to get my arm to shoulder level. The allograft will medialize my scapula and keep it in internal rotation (basically if you were to shove my scapula in towards my spine). My biomechanics are completely screwed up and this is completely opposite of normal. Dr. E doesn't know why this is the only way I can move my arm but the point is it does move this way so we have to help my body so it can. My mom asked Dr. E, "What do we call what Meg has?" and Dr. E smiled and said, "The Megan Syndrome". I officially have my own category and I am not the same as the other 6 individuals. I'll be braced 6-8 weeks after surgery full time. The good thing is if I don't respond well to the surgery, it's easy enough to cut the allograft out with local anesthetic in the office and Dr. E has backup plans. 

My new custom brace that took almost 2 hours to make.
It's nice because there's no weight on my shoulders or neck.
My sister bought me foam so I can put it between my ribs and the brace.
My ribs don't like the pressure of the brace at all but the foam at least
gives a little bit more padding. It's pretty gross feeling my cartilage
slip over my ribs when I move.

To the squeamish types, the 2 pictures are below this paragraph...

So here we are today. In exactly one week I will finally be having my surgery on January 28th. I've tried everything under the sun for the past 2 years trying to get better conservatively and it's not working. My symptoms are getting worse, I've lost my arm motion & strength, my neck is worse, my pain is off the chart, I rely on so much help, and I've dropped 15 pounds due to the pain. I'm happy to finally have a treatment plan in the right direction. I'm not really nervous about the surgery itself. I'm more nervous about how my right side is going to react and how I'm going to get through the next few months because neither arm will be working. One will be immobilized and the other can't move at the shoulder; it's all elbow motion. I'm going to have to learn to accept a ton of help. My family is up for the challenge; wish them luck.  

This happened last week when my mom and I went
to run a couple errands. When we got home I had to
go lay down. An hour went by and I took my shirt
off to have my mom apply cream and this is what we found.
My scapula shifted waaaay out of position. No wonder I didn't feel right.

This is what happens when I try to "push" the wall.
It has been a very long week since this happened.
I've had to immobilize my arm every day. 

You might be asking how did this happen? How did I injure myself? The primary diagnosis in my chart is Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which is causing all the laxity, which is causing all of my problems. I didn't sustain any specific injury and I don't have some amazing heroic tale to tell. It comes down to faulty tissue. The good news is I have a doctor who is totally invested in my case and has amazing communication skills. I have a doctor who believes my crazy symptoms and doesn't think this is all in my head. I have a doctor who is optimistic that he will help me get more use of my arms again; it's just going to be a long road to get to that point. I feel really good about working with Dr. E. 

The other day my nieces, nephew, sister, mom and I all made a pie. There was
a lot of love put into it and it tasted really good. We made a s'mores pie. 

I don't know how soon I'll be writing after I have my surgery. The best way to get current updates is to go onto Facebook and "Like" Meg's EDS Medical Journey My family will be posting updates there.  

My neighbor posted this quote yesterday and I found it very fitting